9.20.2016

STEPember: Head Space



Admittedly so, I am very aware my blog has been put on hold thus far in September. The end of August saw the birth of a bright and sunny blog where I felt empowered by the sunshine and summer energy that surrounded my country home. You can probably tell for yourselves that is now not the case. 

September for me is a funny month, it resembles a lot. For myself growing up, September means a new school term - A "fresh start" as I and probably the majority of school kids would learn to see it. However, age twenty-one,  it now means another year gone. Another lost opportunity. Another year unwell and not doing what I want to be doing. I am sorry for that incredibly selfish and negative view, but it is the truth. My truth. As a whole I am a positive person and I take pride in striving to reach all my goals in life no matter how long it takes me to do so. Despite this, without fail every September it just still, hurts me. 

My current goal and probably the one that consumes my thoughts the most is university. Learning at London College of Fashion is something I wish I was doing every time September rolls around, and every September I remain at home, ill. *queue Lyme Disease hatred post*

Todays post isn't about hating Lyme. Todays post is about channeling pain and turning it into something positive. I need to learn to remind myself that I am not a failure. Just because I haven't filtered quite so perfectly into the 'School, A levels, Uni, Job' mould, I am not a failure. Instead my mould was shaped by a slightly more - less perfect - cookie cutter; and that's okay. I need to learn that I am okay the way I am and anything else I do to 'improve' is simply beautiful enough. 

I borderline punish myself for not being 'like the others' and then I kick myself some more for being so foolish. Why on earth would I want to be like the others? It's almost madness when I can be myself. It feels like a never ending cycle of torture at times, it truly does. Self-love. Self-hate. I tend to let my negative moods get the better of my outlook on nights like these, but at least I can admit it. I know I have a purpose and place in this world far beyond any plan I have crafted in my brain. Life is a ride, this is very true. It just feels that too often the ride is beyond my control, unpredictable and simply hectic. I suppose I forget how to lift my arms in the air and scream "woohoo" when I am so far from being where I want to be.

I am starting to believe the real ride in life is actually just a chase - perhaps if this is the case I am supposed to stop worrying and just accept what will be, will be. Obviously I will work to the best of my ability and as I said before, strive to be the best version of myself - but ultimately what good is worrying yourself sick over 'never being good enough' if you are only every chasing time. I want to stop the chase I have told myself I need to be apart of and just live.

I want to be happy with who I am and from this moment forward September won't be a month of self-hate. September will be a month of self-love and good health. I refuse to abuse my power and position of being educated enough to know what I can do to help myself. Feed the positive not the negative. The only time I will fail and feel regret will be the times I let myself believe I wasn't enough.

I encourage you all to take whatever it is you are juggling and just place it down. Pick yourself backup up step by step. Tell yourself you can do this and then pick those fucking balls back up and juggle on. Perhaps only this time, juggle less balls. Juggle only balls that matter. Juggle balls that help you grow. Just stop juggling your happiness.

This post has suddenly taken a weird turn where balls has been said a lot...
aaand on that note, Goodnight.


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